Every January, shortly after the New Year arrives, scores of my patients see me to report that they are extremely embarrassed about what they said or did on New Year’s Eve. This year how about not entering into what I call “Embarrassment Eternity” (EE). What hangs out in EE are things you have done or said that have stolen your integrity and demeaned your dignity that you will be ashamed of “forever.” Embarrassment Eternity causes emotional pain. EE accompanies us into the New Year with feelings that are less that self-esteeming. Let’s try to avoid EE this New Year.

Plan: What is your New Year’s going to be like? Are you planning to have fun? Are you open do behaving in a way that one might describe as “dumb?” Has 2018 been so awful that you simply want to numb out and forget it? What can YOU plan that will be enjoyable and provide you with a memorable happy transition from 2018 into 2019?

Limit how much you drink: Other than another person who is also inebriated, who wants to be around someone who is so altered that they are not their normal selves? Allow yourselves to remember New Year of 2019.

Be kind: Make an agreement with yourself to be kind to everyone on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day….even if you don’t want to be. By being kind and respectful to others, self-esteem and integrity will be with you when you awake to greet your next day. What a way to start the new year!

Be safe: If you are planning to go out on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, how will you keep yourself safe? How will you retain your integrity? How will you not bring last year’s wounds and resentments forward into the new year? Staying safe involves having a designated driver or taking advantage of public transportation. If you are going to a place where you don’t know many of the people attending don’t let yourself be alone with strangers. Set a time when you will leave your event – leave at that time. Tell a trusted friend where you are going and arrange to check in with him/her when you are on your way home. Discuss what your friend should do if you don’t call.

If you are entertaining or staying in, what are you going to DO? Define it. Make it as fun as you can. If you are with people who are abusive in any way, go out and do something that makes you happy.

For many of us, 2018 has been challenging. People have learned they have a disease. Relationships have had a bitter ending. We feel devastated when we have been unsuccessful in our attempts to try to save or rescue a loved one from chemical dependence and/or self-harm. We have lost a treasured person or pet. Each year, life can bring many difficult challenges. Do you want the unhappiness and losses you have experienced in 2018 to take up residence in 2019? If you learned you have a serious illness, focus on your daily blessings. If you are struggling with substance abuse, get help. If you are partnered with an addict, learn about codependency and concentrate on the truth that YOU can’t fix the person you love. If you are grieving any loss, set a daily amount of time to grieve. If you don’t, grief can take over each of your days.

2019 awaits you with adventure. Only YOU have the power to break free from the manacles of the past. Only YOU have the power to create change in the way you think and in the manner in which you interact with others. Only YOU can be the artist of how you greet the New Year!

I want to wish each and every one of you a very safe, kind, loving, sun-rising New Year.

YOU HAVE THE POWER: MAKE YOUR WORLD WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!

What obstacles can creep up on us during the holidays? Too many to count. Here are a few of the challenges that many of my patients have shared with me: Unhappy memories of sad Hanukahs and Christmases often blindside us. Last minute unforeseen challenges such as unexpected guests, forgetting to buy someone a gift, arguing with your partner when “everyone is supposed to be happy,” are all experiences that can lead to an unhappy holiday. What do we do about this? It’s such a great relationship and communication opportunity!

First, meet with your partner, children and other family members to discuss the holiday celebrations. Who is hosting? What dishes are being provided by which family members? Is alcohol being served? What is the budget for gifts? If there is no money for gifts what can you give each other instead? (I once had a patient who had no money for holiday expenses. They decided to put names in a hat. The gift that was given to the name one drew was to tell him/her five attributes that person had that were appreciated. What a great gift!)

Second, have a conversation with your partner about what would increase their happiness during the holiday season. This is a topic that is rarely discussed. What a great focus it has – learning what would increase the happiness of someone we are close to!

Third, make lists. What are your responsibilities. Are there too many? Make a list about what you can delegate. What are you cooking? Do you have the ingredients? Are any of your guests vegetarian or vegan? Are they gluten free?

Fourth, solve arguments as they occur. Take a vacation from the “What’s wrong?”/”Nothing” arguments that hold other’s hostage to your moods.

The MOST important one: change your thoughts from the past to the present. We can dwell on all the injustices, the traumas, the losses, our failures, what our parents should have done differently and spend a miserable day. Or we can be mindful of the present and even if we spend the holidays by ourselves there are so many wonderful things to do. Plan them. Walk the dog. Pet the cat. Go to a movie. Have Uber deliver your dinner. Take a look at all the holiday decorations around you. Focus on what you are grateful for.

I wish each and every one of you a holiday that brings you gratitude for being the great person you are. Each of us have talents. Notice them. Love them. The holidays are often referred to as a time of giving. Give something to yourself!

YOU HAVE THE POWER! MAKE YOUR WORLD WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!

I had a massage today! I felt my stress and anxiety over the holiday routines evaporate. As I walked out of the SPA where I go for respite, my thoughts automatically turned to, “Is there anything I should buy at the store?” “There’s only 12 days until Christmas Eve. What do I have to get done?”  If you celebrated Hanukkah you are well aware that your holiday is complete. How’s your stress and exhaustion level? No matter where you are in the holiday cycle, take intermittent rests.

What does a “rest” look like? I can offer some ideas but as you read them put your critical mind in abeyance – that’s the mind that tells you “That idea is stupid,” “You tried that once and hated it,” “You don’t have any time to take a break.” It is this type of thinking that cements you into stress, overwhelm and agitation. It is this type of thinking that glues you to frantic preparations, anxiety, depression, and disappointment.

Here are some ideas about what to do to give yourself some holiday relief: Meet a friend for lunch; walk around the block; take your dog jogging; listen to relaxing music for 15 minutes; get a massage; join a Yoga class; participate in water aerobics; meditate for 15 minutes; ride a horse; go to a pond and admire the ducks. Figure our relaxation practices that you like and make a daily commitment to take care of yourself.

After leaving the SPA and noticing that my thoughts had turned to my holiday responsibilities, I decided to steer my mind to a different subject. I focused on how lovely it will be when I get home and spend 5 restful moments petting my two Ragamuffin kitties, Biscuit and Ted E. Bear. That is exactly what I did! I feel rested. I feel awesome and energized, in fact.

You have the POWER! Make your world what you want it to be!

Does just thinking about the holidays exhaust you or are you filled with anticipation and glee? Let’s do a little inventory: list your responsibilities; next to each one write “yes” or “no” depending if you like the responsibility or not; notice if you are involved in more situations that you dislike than you like; because change is hard, select one of the holiday responsibilities you do not want to have; delegate it if possible.

I once had a patient, we’ll call her Betty, who became an expert at delegation. She had ten “dislike” holiday responsibilities and three “likes.” Rather unbalanced. This patient decided she didn’t want to do all the cooking so she called all her relatives and usual guests and assigned a dish for each to prepare. She decided that she and her spouse would provide the libations. I saw her after the holiday and she reported that she felt so “free” and “relaxed.” She smilingly said that she didn’t have to go through weeks of preparation for her large holiday meal. Betty jokingly promised that at the beginning of every November she would come see me to help her figure out what she could delegate next. She did! Betty is now down to only two holiday responsibilities that she dislikes and she reports that she currently looks forward to the holidays instead of being in the “dread” she used to experience.

Betty was lucky. She didn’t get any push back from her relatives and friends who had been attending Betty and her husband’s holiday meal for years. If she had been “guilted,” for making a change, I would have encouraged her to stand firmly in her decision and to not waiver. When we waiver after deciding to change a tradition, we are only teaching others that our decisions are negotiable. We are tacitly giving others permission to disrespect us.

If you are finding the holidays overwhelming, create your NEW holiday plan that includes allowing yourself to enjoy it also. If you don’t use your power to change, you will continue to repeat holiday rituals that are burdensome, overwhelming and unfulfilling.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO RECREATE YOUR HOLIDAYS! MAKE YOUR WORLD WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!

I remember my own Christmases as a child. It was always a huge deal to get a fresh Christmas tree and decorate it. It was fun for me because I got charged with putting a few ornaments on the tree after which my dad plugged in the lights and there it effortlessly was! A beautifully illuminated tree for me to gaze at in wonder. Until I was an adult and had my own children, I never considered that perhaps the Christmas “traditions” were not so fun and fabulous for the adults in my life.

As I think about it now, I remember my dad dragging our Christmas tree up a flight of stairs, trying to get it straight in it’s stand, drilling the trunk and attaching branches to make the tree perfectly symmetrical for my mother. I recall my father struggling with the lights – first he would have to untangle them from the previous year when they were thrown in their container. Next, he would have to plug in each strand to check for burned out lights so he could replace them. I’m probably dating myself. Things are much easier now. But there is still much work involved in decorating for the holidays.

As time went on and I got married and had my own family the Christmas celebration moved to my house and guess who realized how much work it is to decorate? I DID! Decorations are love. Think of the joy you may have experienced when you were little. We decorate for the children and for ourselves. Decorating for the holidays provides memories, strengthens relationships between ourselves, our spouses and our kids.

The decoration rituals that we fondly remember change as we age. Many of my elderly patients ask me, “Why decorate. No one cares!” I say decorate for yourself! Bring out a candle. Sing your own songs as you light the Menorah. Delight yourself. If your childhood holiday memories are not so happy, create your own. It is never too late. Leave the unhappy past right where it is – in the past. How? Stay tuned next week.

Decorate your abode. Decorate your soul. Decorate your relationships.

If there was ever a topic that causes relationship challenges, it is budgeting and shopping for holiday gifts. Many patients come to me in January because their partner is furious about the overspending on holiday presents. There are usually one of two scenarios: either my patent is enraged with their partner for overspending, or my patient is angry at their partner for being so “ungenerous,” “frugal,” and “cheap.”  Most holiday shopping issues are derived from not having a “Holiday Shopping and Budget Conversation,” or from not sticking to agreements.

If we don’t discuss holiday expenditures then we can tell an upset partner that we “didn’t know.” This is usually less than honest because if we are in a relationship with someone we usually know his/her thoughts about money, credit and budgets. If we have had a discussion and we don’t keep to our agreements we are teaching our partner we are not really trustworthy when it comes to holiday spending. This can lead to suspicion about what gifts are being purchased, and monitoring the credit cards and bank accounts. Who wants to live with a “Holiday Watchdog?”

Have that discussion. How much money will you sped on each person you remember at the holidays? Are you paying cash? Are you using a credit card? Who is going to pay the credit card bill? It can actually be fun to go shopping together with a meal included. Limit the time you shop because holiday shopping and parking can be exhausting. If your partner doesn’t like to shop in store fronts, it can be actually fun to go on line and order your presents. Make it fun!

Here’s are the assertive sentences if you are with a “Holiday Grinch:”

You: I would like you to happily go shopping with me. Are you interested?

Typical Holiday Grinch response: No

You: I would love to do this together. What about shopping on line?

Typical Holiday Grinch response: Nope

You: OK. I’ll do it myself. I have a budget of _____. We agreed that you would pay the credit card for that amount. I’m off!   

Period! The End! Go have fun! Go with a friend. Go with your kids. Make it a joyous tradition – shopping for others.

YOU HAVE THE POWER! MAKE YOUR WORLD WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!